Life is Different Out Here Entry #47

Bruce writing. I am not a farmer. I only play one on TV.
So. My John Deere riding lawn mower had a flat tire. Pumping it up did not work since the tire has no tube and needed to be remounted. I didn't know how to take it off, so the neighbor Burt and his son Daniel came over and popped it off. Somehow. Olivia took it to the tire fixit shop. They remounted it and filled it for free.

But the fact that I am ignorant and green at this rural life is not the humorous thing. That's not what makes me so personally humiliated I cannot look my neighbors in the eye. Keep reading for the more humbling part of the story:

To put the tire back on, the wheel slips over the hub and is held in place by something called a "snap ring" which looks like this:

I did not know what this object was called, nor did I have any idea how to actually take it off or put it on. Apparently it requires a special tool to open it up. The holes are poked by little nubbins on the tool and the tool opens it wider. Not that I knew ANY of this of course. Some people might actually try to put it on without that special tool. Those very same people might try, say, three screwdrivers (having only two hands). After trying such methods, I called the auto parts place and it went something like this, "I have a wheel on a riding lawn mower that's attached to the axel thing with a little ring-looking thing with some holes in it. Do you have a tool that can take the thingy off?" JimBob replies, "You mean the Astro-Pneumatic vise-grip 6 1/2 inch internal and external lubba hubba dubba? We got those right out on the aisle." My short-term memory not being what it used to be, I hung up the phone armed at least with the knowledge that yes, such a tool exists.

The autoparts place is a 30 minute drive, so I set aside this knowledge until sometime next week when I could get there. That evening, I went to a neighbor-farmers' home for a Saint Patty's celebration and we got to talking about the ring-thingy and the special tool. Philip said "We have one of those" and then a few minutes later his son Jacob confirmed that yes the family has one- he uses it when working on brakes. He described it to me. It is like a pair of pliers with two pins he said. You squeeze the handles and the pins separate he said. It being a party, I didn't remember to ask to borrow the tool before we left.

So Emma and I came back the next day. Jacob wasn't there. Philip wasn't there. But Trish and Tricia Ann were there. They were very gracious and offered to help us rummage through the very neatly organized garage space and multiple tool boxes to look for it. Although I had never seen the tool before and really had no visual picture for how to use it in my manly ignorance I figured I would recognize the tool when I saw it. Then it happened, my manliness-instincts were confirmed when Trish pulled out a pair of pliers and said is this them? Here is a picture:

Yes I said, and took the pliers and showed everyone how you squeeze and the pins separate and open up the ringthingy. I drove home thanking God for the small miracle of neighbors, and in awe of the nicely manufactured stainless steel pliers. Jacob keeps nice tools I thought.

The next day I went out and tried the pliers while placing my hands and arms sitting under the rear end of the lawn mower. The pins were too big. Back to square one I thought. I need a smaller pair of pliers. And that's when the twilight zone moment started to occur:

I got an e-mail from Jacob:

Were you able to steer the mower? -Jacob

He must be confused that I was working on the steering mechanism. I replied no I didn't get it working. Next e-mail from him:

Yeah...those pliers weren't for removing rings. They were for removing nuts.

What do you call a Deere that isn't "intact", anyway? Is your Deere still running after using the tool on it?

What? I thought. He must be using his iPhone and isn't paying attention and must be kind of loopy. He doesn't make sense with his joking around.
Then I saw the link at the bottom of the e-mail. I had overlooked it.

I am not making this up. True story. You must click on the link to see why I have to wear a disguise to church tomorrow.
http://tinyurl.com/7pf2sm7

Needless to say, young Jacob laughed till his stomach hurt. When I got an e-mail from the pastor's wife the next day asking if I could steer the coffee making activities for the evening I knew my mortification was complete. I'm thinking of renaming the lawn tractor Bobbie.