How to Make A Coffee Cake In The Middle Of Winter In The Middle Of Nowhere

The following is one of the not-so-uncommon procedures it takes to make breakfast for 7 people when we’re out of pretty much everything due to the length of time since the last shopping trip. Sickness and snow made today’s situation particularly desperate. Thankfully, as I type, our dear mother is out replenishing our food supply. I thought I’d share just to give you a glimpse of the hilarity of the happenings in the Howards household sometimes. :)
How to Make A Coffee Cake In The Middle Of Winter In The Middle Of Nowhere
Step 1) Locate your favorite coffee cake recipe- the one that always comes out scrumptious and is gone within 20 minutes of leaving the oven. Double the recipe.

2) Empty contents of corner cabinet looking for a one-cup measuring cup. Replace contents and use said measuring cup to add 4 cups of white all-purpose flour to a mixing bowl.

3) Read the recipe and realize that your health-conscious and currently very sick sister would rather honey be used than white sugar. Ask mother if they can be substituted equally. The answer is no, so remember to not double that part. Add honey to mixing bowl.

4) Read the recipe and realize there you are out of baking powder. Remember from yesterday’s Google search that half the amount of baking soda can be used as a substitute. Add baking soda to mixing bowl.

5) Read the recipe and realize that mother threw away all the (unhealthy) canola oil yesterday. Place the last of the coconut oil in a bowl and microwave until desired oil consistency is achieved. Add liquid coconut oil to mixing bowl.

6) Eyeball the salt into the mixing bowl. Who measures salt?

7) Crack the last two home-grown(made? Raised? Layed?) eggs into the mixing bowl.

8) Read the recipe and realize you are completely out of any type of milk except coconut. Ask Daddy if you can use his precious drink. The answer is no, so ask mother what you should do, since the internet’s out and you can’t Google it. Add 1cup water and 1cup coconut milk to mixing bowl.

9) Mix this batter together using your new handmixer. Rejoice that you don’t have to use the drill anymore.

10) Add some extra water, since it’s kind of thick.

11) Remind yourself that Daddy is allergic to honey so he won’t be eating this so you can spray the pan with Pam-also an allergy- instead of taking the time to smear coconut oil on it.

12) Pour batter into 9x13” pan, even though this is twice as much batter as is supposed to go in that size pan.

13) Sprinkle frozen blueberries over the top. A lot, hoping they will overrule the weird taste of the batter.

14) Time to make the topping. Pick up the baby who’s been hanging on your leg this whole time and go search the basement pantry for any type of sugar besides white. Sucanat, brown, rapdura- anything will do. Realize you are out and settle for white sugar. Add this to a small bowl.

15) Eyeball the flour into the small bowl. Who measures flour?

16) Figure out which spice on the unlabeled rack is cinnamon and add 2 teaspoons to the small bowl.

17) Realize you need more coconut oil. Send sister to the basement for the 1 gallon tub.

18) Spend 10 minutes with box-cutting and butter knives trying to open the tub.

19) Once open, melt 6 tablespoons of coconut oil in the microwave and then add to the small bowl.

20) Mix this all together with a fork and sprinkle on top of the batter and blueberries.

21) Bake at 350* for 80 minutes, instead of the original 40.

22) Pray the kids will even attempt to eat it.

23) Remove strange looking coffee cake from oven and ignore the mushy sugar topping. (Remember to never use white sugar instead of brown again)

24) Answer “breakfast” despite it being late morning when the 3-year-old asks “Olivia, is this breakfast or lunch?”

25) Be absolutely astounded and very grateful when the children devour it and say it’s the best thing ever.